Understanding Adult Attachment Styles: Navigating Avoidance and Anxiety
It all begins with an idea.
The benefits of a bird’s-eye view of your relationships include gaining clarity and a comprehensive understanding of the dynamics at play. This perspective allows you to see patterns, identify issues, and appreciate the overall picture, leading to more informed and effective decisions for improvement. Recently, despite being a couple’s counselor for years, an unexpected assessment confirmed what I once realized but had forgotten about myself — I exhibit Disorganized Attachment Characteristics. Reflecting on my childhood and adult relationships, I see that my responses to others were often inconsistent, a mix of avoidance and resistance, leaving me feeling confused and apprehensive. This insight coincided with the ending of a trauma-bonded relationship that had spanned 20 tumultuous years.
This experience has contributed to my skills as a facilitator of healing for my couples, as I can understand the emotional impressions and thoughts supporting each attachment style. Most of my couples exhibit opposing attachment styles, which is no coincidence. As I explore this newfound awareness, I am curious whether my difficult relationship is the source of my disorganized attachment style, or if my own disorganized behaviors contributed to, or were the entire source of, the chaos. Of course, I know the answer is both.
In my journey as a therapist and coach, I’ve witnessed firsthand how deeply adult attachment styles can influence our relationships. Understanding your style is crucial for anyone seeking to improve their relational dynamics and foster healthier connections.
Attachment Styles Explained
Attachment styles are patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving in relationships that stem from our early experiences with caregivers. Two primary attachment styles I often encounter in my practice are Avoidant and Anxious.
Avoidant Attachment Style
Individuals with an avoidant attachment style often find discomfort with intimacy and strive for independence. They might have grown up in environments where emotional expression was not encouraged or was met with indifference. As adults, avoidant individuals might:
Keep Emotional Distance: They tend to avoid deep emotional connections to protect themselves from potential hurt.
Prioritize Independence: They often value self-reliance and may feel suffocated in close relationships.
Suppress Emotions: Avoidant individuals might struggle with expressing their feelings, leading to misunderstandings and emotional disconnect.
Anxious Attachment Style
On the other hand, those with an anxious attachment style often fear rejection and abandonment. They might have experienced inconsistent caregiving, where affection was unpredictable. As adults, anxious individuals might:
Seek Constant Reassurance: They often need continuous validation and reassurance from their partners to feel secure.
Fear Abandonment: Anxious individuals may worry excessively about their partner leaving them, leading to clingy or needy behavior.
Experience Emotional Highs and Lows: Their relationships can be marked by intense emotions, often feeling overly dependent on their partner’s approval.
Disorganized Attachment Style
Those with a disorganized-insecure attachment style show a lack of clear attachment behavior. Their actions and responses to caregivers (during formative years) and attachments (adult relationships) are often a mix of behaviors, including avoidance or resistance.
As children they are described as displaying dazed behavior, sometimes seeming either confused or apprehensive in the presence of a caregiver.
Navigating Attachment Styles
Understanding your attachment style is the first step towards healthier relationships. Here’s how you can navigate these dynamics:
Self-Awareness: Reflect on your relationship patterns and identify your attachment style. Awareness is the key to change.
Open Communication: Discuss your attachment needs and fears with your partner. Honest conversations can pave the way for mutual understanding and support.
Seek Professional Help: Therapy can be immensely beneficial in working through attachment-related issues. Techniques like Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can help you build secure attachments.
Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself as you navigate these patterns. Understand that attachment styles are not flaws but learned behaviors that can be reshaped.
Creating Secure Attachments
The ultimate goal is to move towards a secure attachment style, where individuals feel comfortable with intimacy and independence. Securely attached individuals can trust their partners, communicate openly, and manage conflicts effectively.
In my practice, I help clients understand their attachment styles and provide them with tools to foster healthier, more fulfilling relationships. By addressing these core patterns, we can break free from destructive cycles and build connections grounded in trust, respect, and love.
Remember, understanding your attachment style is not about labeling yourself but about gaining insight into your relational dynamics. With awareness and effort, you can create the healthy, secure relationships you deserve.
I invite you to join me in expanding and healing your relationships, guiding us towards achieving secure attachments with others.
Lisa Anzaldua, AMFT, MFT, MA, is a seasoned couple coaching professional specializing in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Internal Family Systems (IFS), and Timeline Therapy. Her practice, Relationship Healing Intensives, is dedicated to helping individuals and couples achieve profound and lasting transformations in their relationships. Visit www.RelationshipHealingIntensives.com to learn more.